Struggle

This International Women’s Day I want to share my story.

Everyone faces struggles every day. Some face more than others. Some are fortunate to have very few. Some choose blissful ignorance over acknowledgment. Some face their issues head-on. Some don’t even realize that their situation can change. Some try and try again to change, and somehow everything is still the same. I have been victim to all of these thoughts and feelings about my struggles. Below, I’m going to go into detail about a couple of really taxing situations that can really explain what I’ve been going through for the past year.

***Please be mindful of the information that I’m about to share since these are extremely personal issues, and it has taken a lot of courage to press publish on this post.

I have let people convince me that I was stuck. I was prepared to give up my dreams, my passion for the pursuit of someone else’s. I was convinced to be quiet, resigned, submissive. I let a person diminish me until I was barely there, constantly searching for approval, constantly disappointing, constantly promising to do better. I thought that I was happy. I thought that I could change this person, and instead, they changed me. It was a messy situation, stemming from an issue that, in hindsight, seems pretty ridiculous. A simple disagreement started a domino effect that escalated until that relationship fell apart.

After that person left my life, I was lost. I didn’t know who I was anymore. I gave so much and cared so little for myself that I wasn’t me anymore. I didn’t know who I was or who I wanted to be. I searched for answers in many things, some I’m not exactly proud of, but they were still beneficial in the process of rediscovering who I am. I let someone else define me, tell me what I wanted and rule my life for almost three years. The day that ended, I broke down, but I simultaneously felt a freedom that I hadn’t felt in so long and that was terrifying.

After that initial shock, I thought I was fine. I invested myself into someone else, and I unfairly tried to replace what I had just lost with a new person. Inevitably, that replacement had to stop, and when it did, I started to feel alone. I had friends and family, school and work, but I just didn’t care anymore. Nothing could make me feel. Nothing could pull me out of the darkness and emptiness that I wanted so desperately to avoid. I let that feeling control me until enough was enough.

Through my best friend’s constant support (and tough love), I finally went to the doctor and was diagnosed with depression. It was a weird feeling finally hearing the words and feeling the inevitable acknowledgment wash over me, but I knew that I could finally start feeling better.

I have only just begun the healing process, but I can finally smile again, laugh again, feel normal again. I can go to sleep without crying, and I can sleep through the night. I have so much more to work on and discover about myself, and I am very fortunate that I have had such a strong support system. I know so many people don’t have those luxuries, and their stories are probably much more empowering.

Regardless, I decided to share this story because it showcases the biggest and most prominent struggle I’ve faced. I didn’t know how I was going to work my way out of my feelings. I couldn’t control them, let alone determine their source or push them away. I thought that this is the way it had to be because I was so used to the feeling of nothingness that it had become my new normal.

Amazingly, (thanks to modern medicine, friends and family) I have been feeling so much better. I have faced this struggle head-on, and I’m coming out on top. I’m becoming me again, not the person who only wanted to please and not the person who was only going through the motions.

I am proud of who I am, and I’m excited to keep discovering who I’m going to be. I’m ready to move forward instead of dwelling on the past and on loss.

I’ve started to sing and dance again. I picked up cross-stitching as a hobby. I get excited about my work, and I actually want to spend time with people again. I feel empowered again, in control.

That’s not to say that I don’t still feel the emptiness looming and that the days aren’t still hard to get through sometimes, but it is to say that progress is progress, and I’m so glad to be on my path toward a better mental state and well-being.

So, since this post does fall on International Women’s Day, I want to thank some very important women in my life that I could not have done this without.

Samantha, you have been my constant rock through this really difficult time in my life. You’ve been there through the highs and the extreme lows. You’ve put up with a lot of emotional rollercoasters and gave me the push that I needed to finally get help. I will never know how to thank you enough for the role you play in my life. I could not have found a better person, best friend and companion to go through this process with, and I am so grateful for your wisecracks, sarcasm and commitment to our friendship. I love you.

Mom, you have been my female role model since the day I was born. From being my best friend and caretaker, you have always been by my side. I know I kept you at bay while I was going through this part of my life, but know that I needed to do this on my own. Eventually, you had to cut the cord, and let me figure this out in my own way and own time. Thanks for giving me the space to grow.

There are a few other women in my life that I’d like to thank and acknowledge that didn’t know what circumstances I was facing but were there for me nonetheless.

• Loren, you have constantly brightened my days. You always knew how to make me smile and laugh when I didn’t even feel like getting out of bed.
• Katie, you’ve been the friend I didn’t expect to have (Thanks, Sarah!). You’ve listened to some of my issues and are so yourself that it makes me want to embrace my personality too.
• Victoria, we haven’t been able to spend as much time together this semester, but the time we have spent together and the random bump-ins have reminded me of your sweet friendship. I can’t wait to spend more time together soon.
• Whitney, you have made work actually enjoyable, and I couldn’t have asked for a better peer mentor to help me figure out what I’m doing in the PR world.

Thank you to all of the strong female role models in my life. Without you, I never would have been strong enough to move past this time in my life.

You inspire me to be better every day.

(Also, I am a huge fan of music as a way to express feelings, so check out this song and this song for a pretty good representation of how I was feeling during this time. If you’re someone who’s facing similar feelings, this one’s for you.)